You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHTAll those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Clones are people two.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT