Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHTClones are people two.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT