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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”

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Believe Funny Myself Police Reading See Stop Time

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Book Funny Myself Writing
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Difference Ideas Person Research Steal
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Angry Install Light Live Myself People
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Devil Evil Fantasy Funny Taste True
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Forget Funny Myself
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Bad Conscience Memories
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Children Funny Hands Himself Mom
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fall Feeling Myself Sit Time
Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Average Level People Yourself
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Control Death Game Yourself
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Evolution Monkey Science
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appointment Dental Eat Herself Time Visit Wait
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Animal Funny Herself Laughter Milk
$Steven Wright Quote - Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.$

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mathematics People Trouble
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Friendship Gift Myself Sex
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Flavor Food Funny
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Death Funny Success Yourself
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Destroy Evidence Success Try Yourself
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Age Anxiety Funny Myself Time
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Addiction Difference Myself Quit
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Flight Leaving One Liner Yourself
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Day Life Yourself
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Myself People
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Drive Learning Yourself
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Eat Food Funny Human

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