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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Related Topics

Education Funny Myself Perfection Practice Stop Teacher

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Act Attitude Head Herself Live Scare Yourself
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Appointment Dental Eat Herself Time Visit Wait
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Animal Evolution Monkey Science
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Heaven Hell Hot Rise Temperature Warm
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Literature Word Wrong
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Mathematics Pronunciation Sound
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fight Funny Gift Myself Room
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Future One Liner Planning
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Hairs Himself Mirror Reflection See
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Country Funny Nation People
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Listening Mistake Yourself
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Book Funny Myself Writing
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Experience Need Yourself
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Day Life Yourself
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Buy Fame Friendship Herself Popular Toy
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Children Funny Hands Himself Mom
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk

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