“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

The future belongs to young people with an education and the imagination to create.

Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.

Play is the highest form of research.

Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.

We obtain our education at home, at school, and, most important, from life itself.

Education is an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity.

Education breeds confidence. Confidence breeds hope. Hope breeds peace.

No country can really develop unless its citizens are educated.