I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT