I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHT