If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT