“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

It would appear that the number of nonsense triplets is rather low, since we only occasionally come across them. However this conclusion is less secure than our other deductions about the general nature of the genetic code.

The impossible could not have happened, therefore the impossible must be possible in spite of appearances.

What seems today inconceivable will appear one day, from a higher stand point, quite simple and harmonious.

Dressing effectively is a kind of excellent manners.

I like when my freckles show or when I do shoots and they accentuate them. It’s such a compliment.

People say I’m too skinny, but if I gain a little weight, they say I look chubby. You can’t please everyone. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.

It is not strange to me that persons of the fair sex should like, in all things about them, the handsomeness for which they find themselves most liked.

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own.