You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Clones are people two.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT