Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Clones are people two.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT