Life is tough, then you die.
GEORGE CARLINIf all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
More George Carlin Quotes
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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Always do whatever’s next.
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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Is there another word for synonym?
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I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
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I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
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If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN