If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLINNot only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
More George Carlin Quotes
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
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A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
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Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.
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If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
GEORGE CARLIN