Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLINThe caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
More George Carlin Quotes
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
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If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
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If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
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I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
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It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
GEORGE CARLIN