Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
GEORGE CARLINI put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
More George Carlin Quotes
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
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If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
GEORGE CARLIN