People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
GEORGE CARLINI put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
More George Carlin Quotes
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.
GEORGE CARLIN