“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.

Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.

The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

I do listen to other music though, and try to pick up what is good.

A new dynasty is never founded without a struggle. Blood makes good manure.

The cynic is one who never sees a good quality in a man, and never fails to see a bad one. He is the human owl, vigilant in darkness and blind to light, mousing for vermin, and never seeing noble game.

Life for my child is simple, and is good.

A good book is an event in my life.

The essence of patriotism lies in a willingness to sacrifice for one’s country, just as true greatness finds expression, not in blessings enjoyed, but in good bestowed.

My favorite meal would have to be good old-fashioned eggs, over easy, with bacon. Many others, but you can’t beat that on a Sunday morning, especially with a cup of tea.

A good husband is never the first to go to sleep at night or the last to awake in the morning.