“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Always do whatever’s next.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Bad leaders care about who is right, good leaders care about who is right.

When you wish someone joy, you wish them peace, love, prosperity, happiness, all the good things.

My happiest days are those in which I do good work.

If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects.

Don’t be evil- apparently people like it better than “Be good”.

There was never a bad peace or a good war.

Age gives you an excuse for not being very good at things that you were not very good at when you were young.