“People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

Is there another word for synonym?

Meow means woof in cat.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Life is tough, then you die.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.

I didn’t go to Harvard because I thought they had good academics. I went because they had crappy enough sports so they’d let me play.