Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLINPeople love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
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The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
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Is there another word for synonym?
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
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How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.
GEORGE CARLIN