Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLINMay the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
More George Carlin Quotes
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The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
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I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
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I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
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There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
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Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
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Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Religion is just mind control.
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Meow means woof in cat.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
GEORGE CARLIN