The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLINOne good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
More George Carlin Quotes
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If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
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If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
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The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
GEORGE CARLIN