“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.

Religion is just mind control.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.

Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.