Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLINHave you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
More George Carlin Quotes
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN -
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN -
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
GEORGE CARLIN -
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
GEORGE CARLIN -
Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN -
I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
GEORGE CARLIN -
I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN -
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
GEORGE CARLIN -
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
GEORGE CARLIN -
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN -
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
GEORGE CARLIN -
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN -
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
GEORGE CARLIN -
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN -
The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
GEORGE CARLIN -
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN -
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
GEORGE CARLIN -
If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
GEORGE CARLIN -
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN
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