“I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.”

With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.

Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.

Religion is just mind control.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time.

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be – a Christian.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.

If I talked I would become like any other comedian.

People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.