How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.
GEORGE CARLINBy and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
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It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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Religion is just mind control.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
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If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
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I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
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It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN