“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.

I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.

Religion is just mind control.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

I think we live in an age of increasing mediocrity.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

I refuse to let adversity allow me to be average.

Great ladies are no more spiteful than the average rich woman; but one acquires in their society a greater susceptibility, and feels more profoundly andmore irremediably, their unpleasant remarks.

He probably was mediocre after all, though in a very honorable sense of that word.

A jury is composed of twelve men of average ignorance.

The man with the average mentality, but with control, with a definite goal, and a clear conception of how it can be gained, and above all, with the power of application and labor, wins in the end.

Jealousy is the tribute which mediocrity pays to genius.