“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Life is tough, then you die.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.

I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.