Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
GEORGE CARLINLife gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
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A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
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Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
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The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
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Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
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Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
GEORGE CARLIN