I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
GEORGE CARLINIf you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
More George Carlin Quotes
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
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Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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Religion is just mind control.
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Is there another word for synonym?
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
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Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
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Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN -
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN