“What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!”

With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.

I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.

Religion is just mind control.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.

People always say that, like, you’re a dog person or a cat person. I just love animals. I’m not a dog person or a cat person.

Hounds follow those who feed them.

A dog has the soul of a philosopher.

Women, we might as well be dogs baying the moon as petitioners without the right to vote!

If there are no dogs on Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.