Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
GEORGE CARLINThe wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
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If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot.
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Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
GEORGE CARLIN