Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLINIf a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
More George Carlin Quotes
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot.
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Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
GEORGE CARLIN