Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
GEORGE CARLINFighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
More George Carlin Quotes
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.
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I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
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It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
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The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
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I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
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I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
GEORGE CARLIN
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