There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLINIf someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
More George Carlin Quotes
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
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Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
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How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
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Always do whatever’s next.
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
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I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
GEORGE CARLIN