The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLINScratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Always do whatever’s next.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
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People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
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It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
GEORGE CARLIN