I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
GEORGE CARLINLife is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
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The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
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Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
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Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
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Meow means woof in cat.
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.
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People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure.
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I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN