I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
GEORGE CARLINInstead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
GEORGE CARLIN -
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
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If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
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Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
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If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
GEORGE CARLIN