I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
GEORGE CARLINAlthough the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
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Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
GEORGE CARLIN