“Never forget that the devil is there 24/7 too. He’s very, very busy.”

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth who allow their kids to come back home.

I was’nt always black. There was this freckel that just grew and grew.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

Nobody ever says, Can I have your beets?

When you become senile, you won’t know it.

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.

In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and mothers Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.

Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don’t want to see the dog doing them.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.

The only people who see the whole picture,’ he murmured, ‘are the ones who step out of the frame.

A lie told once remains a lie but a lie told a thousand times becomes the truth.

To understand all is to forgive all.

Your dark times will show you who can never be your light.

He stood at the window of the empty cafe and watched the activites in the square and he said that it was good that God kept the truths of life from the young as they were starting out or else they’d have no heart to start at all.

Death comes equally to us all, and makes us all equal when it comes.

One always writes comedy at the moment of deepest hysteria.

I’m looking for the teacher who is simple enough to be great, and great enough to be simple.