I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
SPIKE MILLIGANI’m a hero with coward’s legs.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Only on the third class tourist class passengers’ deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
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Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.
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Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
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A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush.
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Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.
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Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.
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Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
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If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.
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If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
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I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
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Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
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I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
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I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
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Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
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Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
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Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.
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God made night, But man made darkness.
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If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.
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We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
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Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
SPIKE MILLIGAN