“It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t”

God made night, But man made darkness.

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I told you I was sick.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I have this great test to see if a girl’s a real friend. When we’re shopping I’ll pick out an outfit that I know looks hot and one that is awful. If my friend says the bad one looks good, I know she’s not a good friend.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

It’s kind of hard to rally around a math class.

You know what they say, dress your best when you go to bed because you don’t know who you’ll see in your dreams.

If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.

I would be so scared if I was a gay guy; you’ll, like, die of AIDS.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.