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In the human race today, you came last.

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Human Race Yourself

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Death Life Sick
Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
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Better Class Enemy Friendship Money Yourself
Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.
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Funny Heart Love Nation Patriot Yourself
Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.
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Born Herself Home Mom Woman
My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
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Father Greatness Himself Inspirational Mad
We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
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Funny Planning Preparation Wrong
I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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Beginning Book Funny Myself Poem Reading
Only on the third class tourist class passengers’ deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Class Expectation Morning Yourself
If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Death Himself Man
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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Occasion Protection
If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.
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Death Eat Hungry Myself
I told you I was sick.
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Myself One Liner Sick
Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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Death Myself Plant Return
I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
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Myself Sick Yourself
Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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Animal Education Funny Start
To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Death Hope Myself Sing Yourself
If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.
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Alive Kill Myself Promise Yourself
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Country Enough Fools Funny People Politics Time Yourself
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Come Myself Quiet
It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t
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Funny Himself Marriage Perfection
Its all in the mind, you know.
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Mindset One Liner Yourself
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
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Age Confusion Father Myself Name
Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
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Form Happiness Misery Money Yourself
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Connection Funny God Himself Light Wait
I’m Irish. We think sideways.
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Identity Myself One Liner Thinking
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Farm Hands Himself Wife
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Joke Laughter Myself Sing

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