“My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!”

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Relationships are like Rome – difficult to start out, incredible during the prosperity of the ‘golden age’, and unbearable during the fall.

Who acts, shall endure. So speaks the voice of the age-old wisdom.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

From the age of three, I played every day-morning, afternoon and night.

You’re never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

The ruling ideas of each age have ever been the ideas of its ruling class.

At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.

I do know that when I am 60, I should be attempting to achieve different personal goals than those which had priority at age 20.