“My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!”

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Its all in the mind, you know.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it’s meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.

In the human race today, you came last.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.