“Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.”

If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.

God made night, But man made darkness.

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I told you I was sick.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I’m the most boring person to talk to.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

I’m smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation.

What a sad business, being funny.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

They asked me why I don’t quit drinking, I told ’em I’m not a quitter.

You’re not a man, you’re a mushroom!

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!