“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.”

Only on the third class tourist class passengers’ deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.

God made night, But man made darkness.

I told you I was sick.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

At the very beginning of my creative life I loved humanity. I wanted to do something good for mankind. Soon I understood that it isn’t possible to save mankind.

It is a common mistake in going to war to begin at the wrong end, to act first, and wait for disasters to discuss the matter.

Reading something from beginning to end. That is reading with love.

From the moment fear begins I have ceased to fear.

Catch the light and begin again.

When my world grows dark I remember: Every light begins with a spark.

As soon as I have begun to fear I have ceased to fear.

When the masses begin to vibrate with an energy of love, the world will no longer be a container for war, violence, and lies.