“If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.”

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Its all in the mind, you know.

This is a good day to die. Follow me!

Do not contemplate on death; it is just an incident in life; contemplate on God, who is the master of all life.

I Came To Mumbai With Just Rs. 1,500. My Mother Gave Me Before She Died.

My brother was a great favorite with everybody, and his death cast a gloom upon the whole neighborhood.

From the time we’re born until we die, we’re kept busy with artificial stuff that isn’t important.

On reaching the place where the Indians had surprised us, we found the bodies of the three men whom they had killed and scalped, and literally cut into pieces.

When I die, now don’t think that I’m a nut, don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.