“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Its all in the mind, you know.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it’s meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.

In the human race today, you came last.

Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

I adore wearing gems, but not because they are mine. You can’t possess radiance, you can only admire it.

Always have a black bow, a white bow, a rainbow bow – those bows will match literally just about everything!

Everybody’s wearing a disguise, to hide what they’ve got left behind their eyes.

Ignorant people in preppy clothes are more dangerous to America than oil embargoes.

I saw the Supremes when they were still singing in little black skirts and white blouses.

I only have a stylist when I go to big events, but even then, I give them moodboards to show exactly how I want to look, so I’m mostly in control. I dress myself on a daily basis, though.

Never do what a specialist can do better. Discover your own specialty. Do not despair if your specialty appears to be more delicate, a lesser thing. Make up in finesse what you lose in force.