And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
SPIKE MILLIGANI shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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I can speak Esperanto like a native.
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Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.
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My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
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A lot of learning can be a little thing.
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
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A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
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I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
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There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.
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Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
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Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
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There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
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My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
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My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
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Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
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Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
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I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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I’m Irish. We think sideways.
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Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
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We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
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If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
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We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
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I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
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Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
SPIKE MILLIGAN