“We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!”

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Its all in the mind, you know.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it’s meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.

In the human race today, you came last.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

What’s really funny about being National Youth Poet Laureate is that not everyone even knows it exists.

One fool can ask more questions in a minute than 12 wise men can answer in an hour.

Predition is risky, especially of the future.

No, no, you’re not thinking; you’re just being logical.

I’m Serena Williams on the court, but away I have so many different names. I call myself Butterfly.

A person who wasn’t outraged on first hearing about quantum theory didn’t understand what had been said.

Freedom of press is limited to those who own one.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.