Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
SPIKE MILLIGANAnd God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
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I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
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If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.
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Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.
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I told you I was sick.
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I can speak Esperanto like a native.
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Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
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My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
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In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
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Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
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I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.
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Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
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I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
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I’m Irish. We think sideways.
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I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
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God made night, But man made darkness.
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Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.
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Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.
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Only on the third class tourist class passengers’ deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.
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I’m a hero with coward’s legs.
SPIKE MILLIGAN