To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.
SPIKE MILLIGANBeauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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I can speak Esperanto like a native.
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Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.
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I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
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Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
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Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
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Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
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If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
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A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush.
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I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
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If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.
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I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
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And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
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Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
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We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
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Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
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There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
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My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
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A lot of learning can be a little thing.
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Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.
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God made night, But man made darkness.
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I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.
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My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
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I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
SPIKE MILLIGAN