“Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.”

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Every kid starts out as a natural-born scientist, and then we beat it out of them. A few trickle through the system with their wonder and enthusiasm for science intact.

Most of us are about as eager to be changed as we were to be born, and go through our changes in a similar state of shock.

I was probably born a scorer, but I was made a winner. Whatever works, whatever wins championships, wins games, that’s what I do.

Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.

All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats.

I always felt like I was meant to have been born in another era, another time.

Sometimes I don’t feel like going to work but then I remember I was born cute not rich.

When you catch a glimpse of your potential, that’s when passion is born.