“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Anxiety, the illness of our time, comes primarily from our inability to dwell in the present moment.

Minor setback for major comeback.

The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.

The best way to write poetry, letting things come.

The success I’ve achieved comes to me from God.

For better to come, good must stand aside.

Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.

He never went out without a book under his arm, and he often came back with two.