Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
SPIKE MILLIGANNever return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
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How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
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Its all in the mind, you know.
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Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
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Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
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In the human race today, you came last.
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I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
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Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.
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It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t
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There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
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I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.
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And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.
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I’m Irish. We think sideways.
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Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
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Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
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We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
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I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
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Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
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If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.
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Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
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If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.
SPIKE MILLIGAN