“Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.”

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Its all in the mind, you know.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it’s meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.

In the human race today, you came last.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Suffering for truth’s sake Is fortitude to highest victory, And to the faithful death the gate of life.

I gave him my heart, and he took and pinched it to death; and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, Ellen, and since he has destroyed mine, I have not power to feel for him.

When I’m gone I’ll be remembered as the workin’ man who put his point across with a right hand full of knuckles.

Any relic of the dead is precious, if they were valued living.

Caresses, expressions of one sort or another, are necessary to the life of the affections as leaves are to the life of a tree. If they are wholly restrained, love will die at the roots.

Birth was the death of him.

Death is an ascension to a better library.

If we have power, we’ll never give it up again unless we’re carried out of our offices as corpses.